disappointed and frustrated at myself for being unable to do such an easy question, moreover when it's just so near to exams. hate my incompetence. hate my gei kiang-ness. well, this has served a tight slap across my face, and forced me to wake up. didnt want to copy, just so that the harshness of this crude reality really hits home. get into mugging mode. stop fooling around.

wouldnt have minded going home in the rain today, alone. though definitely gloomy, but at least it suits my mood. and going home in the rain would reinforce the message that there are many times in a person's life when there are certain things that you have to go about it alone. like studying, for that matter, which brings me back to my dearly loathed subject. a subject i forever can only seem to get B.

i am amazed to find out today, that i could mean what i said. i didnt say ok when it's not. i think perhaps i am edging closer to learning to say what i mean. which implies i'm getting closer to being understood more easily. (good or bad? hahah=p) wouldnt the world be easier to understand if all women could be like this? hahahaha as though i very good like that.. =x

i think everybody says things they dont mean sometimes. to people they dont want to worry, to people they are not close to, or dont really know well. so meaning what you say is an indicator that this person is really someone close to your heart, who you really trust. it is also an indicator of the level of bonding you share, how close you are. because in saying what you mean, you are trusting the person with your innermost thoughts, fears and feelings.

so when i ask if you're ok, and you reply yes when you're obviously not ok, i just hope one day, we can become close enough for you to trust me with your thoughts.

in all relationships, it is important not just to share happiness, but also sorrows. the world is too heavy to carry it on your own shoulders.

though exams are looming overhead, and making my sky overcast, the encouragement and concern of loved ones fuel me ahead, urging me to hang in there. thanks! i love you!! all of you!

happy=D

how can it be that my mother thinks my brother is right, and that i'm just being unreasonable?!! fuck.

溺爱.

longing to run away, escape somewhere.

the world of love defies logic. haha heart rules over head, emotions might win the day. but the head thinks, and imagines many kinds of scenarios that are scary and unpleasant. and so mixed signals and feelings are born. making the world even more complicated than it already is.

scared that you might read too much into a simple gesture, a simple sms, scared that the feeling doesnt last, scared that the person is only testing the waters, scared that people take love for a game, scared that in the end, you lose a friend.

i think that being my friend is more fortunate than being my boyfriend, cause i tend to treat my friends better, less tantrums, less mood swings. cause i believe now that my friends are meant to be kept forever, those few that i keep close to my heart, since they've already been here by me for so long. but i'm unsure about the longevity of my relationships.

and then i realise, i dont address my friends dear often.. so is my dear aka my boyfriend more important to me when i'm attached? and i wonder, how can someone who just entered my life for a few months become more important than friends who've been around for years? when in love, is it only me, or does everyone change their priorities?

i've always ranked family, friends, boyfriend. but now i'm not sure anymore.

i've learnt not to have high expectations of my boyfriend. not referring to how much money he has, how handsome he is, how tall etc etc. i mean that i will not expect my boyfriend to always be finely attuned to my needs. i will not expect him to always be there for me. sounds sad ar? haha no lehz, if you really think about it. as one half of a couple in a relationship, he is mine. but i got to be sensitive to his life too. i cant expect him to drop everything just to accompany me, i cant expect him to drop all the stuff he used to do before i entered his world. i cant expect 26 hours from him everyday. anybody would get tired.

and if i really expect so much from my boyfriend, i think there will inevitably be times when he fails, and then i will be unhappy. so why expect so much? less expectations equal more surprises. isnt it? =)

one expectation though, that is a must-have. honesty. i shall learn to talk openly and truthfully, not disguising my unhappiness, not pretending to be ok when i really feel like shit that quarrels arise. learn to talk, and not shut my emotions in. otherwise things will just build up and become worse. i learnt this from evan, though she is slightly extreme. haha=p

i learnt that sad times are equally important, if not more important, than happy times. resolving issues well are a way of bonding; it draws the couple closer, and it adds to their foundation.

ok.. i shall go talk to my biochem.. enough of my rubbish blabbering.. haha

i think a breakup made me grow up. become different. or maybe all along i had this set of thinking, it was just never as pronounced as now. evan say i matured. is it? haha

tests and exams are coming.. why oh why am i so slack?! no study break = die. haha

the new cathay cineplex was so crowded!! the seating was abit slow, cause all the movies started screening at around the same time. plus, just the grand cathay alone could seat 600 people!! imagine that number of people coming in at one time.. and so those poor people, like me, had to be last, cause we were watching in the cathay picturehouse, which seats only 80 people. haha but the seats are nice, and the show is slow.. haha for 1/3 of the movie, i was reading subtitles. and it made me sleepy. =p

no more going out. must study. must. haiyo!!

imprisoned. trapped in a cage built by is it love? or just overwhelming unnecessary restraint? i thought as time goes by, as they slowly see that i'm not going to become wilder as i grow older, the restraint will be lifted. but it is not to be.

and i wonder how is it that my parents seem to relax more than my brother? why is he the one hounding me? is he just the one doing the dirty job? or is he really the one who's not letting me free?

i nearly cried in exasperation when i saw him come to the back of the house to see why i am still not home. f*** is there such a need?!!

holding your hand while sleeping as you drive me home is something i dont think i'll forget. thanks for sending me home darling~!! i was really just complaining, being the grouch that i am, being in a grumpy mood.. your sweet unexpected move surprised and touched me.. i love you dear~! i today really never lie when i said i sad, but i dont know why.. i realise i am sad cause i got not enough sleep, so grumbly mood.. i never think stupid things!~! =p

Do you know the agony of being unable to blog what you really want to say?

there are somethings that once gone will never come back, no matter how sweet the memories are, no matter how hard you pray for time to turn back.. but then, you create new sweet memories, so actually there's nothing to lament..

severe lack of sleep, culminating in a foul mood today. thought of cheonging home to sleep, but realised that it'll be 1.5 hours before i even reach my door. thought of cheonging cab home to sleep, realised that it'll be $20+ gone down the drain.. why must my home be so far??

a moody day ended well.

i dont like guys who come near a girl to hit on her, and then abruptly pull away when he knows she's attached. i dont like guys who know a girl is attached, but just keep coming on to her. dont like guys who treat a girl like treasure when wooing her, then after that, treating her like she's unimportant. dont like guys with no guts to show his love. dont like guys who are irresponsible.

is there a stipulated mourning period for a past relationship? is there a preferred waiting period for a new one? i'm just asking, al of you please dont start flooding me with questions.. haha just wondering cause of what a friend said..

sometimes i wish i could cut off the last link between us, leave the past behind and move on. yes, selfish as it is.

lots of stuff to do!! and my speech is running overly long!! two tests next week as well as the week after!! and exams are nearing!! oh god. save me.

i lost my thoughts in the shower again. grr.

read from a blog that women shouldnt expect guys to change for them. if they want to change, they will. and yes i believe this.

oh ya, i realised that most gals, MOST (i wouldnt generalise and speak for all), they hope their boyfriends will be tall, tanned, good-looking, in terms of appearance. in terms of character, haha there is just too much to be demanded. but how many singaporean guys fulfill the tall, tanned,good-looking criteria? and so women realise that the fantasy guy and the real one varies from somewhat different to vastly different. lament but still accept.

isn't it like that for guys? they fantasize about beautiful women with a nice figure to boot. but off screen women cant be that perfect, and so, guys also learn to lower their standards. lament and accept too.

the more romantic point of view on such a state of things is that, well, we really let out hearts lead us, that we really fall in love with the person, not the appearance. but it really is a little sad that fantasy does not become real-life. hahaha

read from another blog and remember this line from a jimmy book:轻佻浮滥的爱情总在秋叶掉落后，草草收场.

sometimes you just cant make the feeling go away. sometimes the words you want to say get stuck in your throat. sometimes you wonder, what is happening.

blogskins is against me.

there are some ways of proclaiming your love that i dont really agree with. holding hands during lecture is one of them. hahaha

and i lost one of my thoughts. grr.





oh i found it! haha i decided next time i'm free, i shall wrte a novel that doesnt end with happily ever after. i shall write about a couple's quarrels, their differing points of view, to warn teenagers not to blindly think all's well in love. haha and i'm so not a teenager anymore.

3 posts! woohoo!! =p shall sleep early. heck maths. since got answer. haha what's this attitude man?

i guess there is a trade-off for the intimacy you share. when you become a couple, there just are somethings you cant share with your other half. the trick to finding your life partner, is to find someone you can talk to, or at least the person you can keep the least secrets from. but it's sad when the person you love is the one who made you sad ya? then who are you supposed to talk about it with?

when i was younger, i set for myself an ideal age to get married, the ideal age gap between my husband and i. i had a slightly more romantic view of love, believed in love at first sight, did not see so many things as being silly.

but as years go by, i think i could live with being single all my life; i dont believe that the attraction at first sight is love, rather just lust or a crush. i am so practical that my view has become cynical.

growing up is something that little kids look forward to, only that when they've grown up, they realise that it's not what they thought it would be. kinda like university life. hah. and ultimately they teach you the same thing, that sometimes in the end, you can only depend on yourself.

get well soon freddie!!

My Personal Dna Report

never sleep well, never sleep enough. tired. haiz.. but it's nothing. =)

i suppose a guy would want two kinds of women in his life. one- a virtuous type , two- a fun type. the fun gal may be the one he spends most of his time with, but when down, he'll be wishing for the virtuous one. and i guess that is why some marriages go on, cause the woman who is waiting at home knows that her man will be back one day, even though he comes back only when he needs her.. and i guess this is why virtuous women will somehow always have a grasp over a man's heart. hard to find a woman who is both types rolled into one,so i guess the next best alternative is to have two women?

what kind of man does a woman want then? i dont know.. i mean, i cant speak for every gal out there.. and i think i cant really define the guy i want.. perhaps when i meet the person whose faults doesnt matter to me, then he's the right one. haha

i got the feeling that my dad doesnt like any guy near me. not now at least. ahaha. when i reach 25 without a boyfriend then it'll be the opposite. he'll be nagging for me to find a guy. hahaha

i think if i want his approval to get married someday, the guy must 1. love me ALOT 2. good character 3. be able to make me happy 4. hold a stable job 5. et cetera ( as he deems fit) hahaha

ql cheat my feelings, she never blog. haha.. so i'm here to blog so that hopefully, she can be more inspired!

met evan that silly girl today. she's been thinking too much, but i believe all girls have this disturbing thought from time to time. i dont know how come we seem to be engineered this way, but at some point in a relationship, especially when feeling stressed or after a quarrel, we will wonder if we still love the guy. even if at the end of the day, the answer is yes, we will still wonder about it for at least half a day.haha kinda funny ya? but such is the stuff that we think about. and we will continue thinking about such stuff, until we force ourselves till we go crazy, on the verge of breakdown, or we just repeatedly assure ourselves that the love is still there.

and when this disturbing thought pops up, it's really kinda hard to talk to anybody about it. but talking to friends helps! their evaluation of the problem is very much valuable, and somehow talking just calms one down.

of course, the guy's reaction is very important la.. but i think if the guy is in a damn unlucky position. dismiss the girl's fears will make the girl think that you not taking her seriously. keeping quiet will make her feel even more insecure. talking it out will stress her. haha tough luck for the guy. he just has to go with his guts. wahaha but of course, the guy may never know, since they are after all, guys. =p

stuck and fed up with mat sc. aiya.and time's running out..possible to suddenly grasp all concepts in 4 weeks?

do you have a habit of keeping ticket stubs? what do you do when the year is over? do you throw them away? or do you keep them? what do you keep them for? reminiscing?

should monthsaries be celebrated? if you dont celebrate, what if you dont make it to a year? if you celebrate, what do you do with the presents when you break up? these were the cynical thoughts that passed through my weary heart. but no, i'm not saying i have monthsaries to celebrate. haha.. i guess what's most important is that the couple is happy. =)

i am a person that even in a very happy moment, i can still think negative thoughts, such as wondering how long will the happiness last. but i've learnt that happiness is fleeting, and so i've learnt to treasure every happy moment.

i like the theory of having a happiness account, from some news article. you do sweet things to show your concern to your partner, that would be making a deposit. and when you quarrel, you would be making a withdrawal. so the most important thing is to make deposits regularly, and ensure that the account never runs low. =)

hope everyone had a nice weekend!

there are just some opinions that i have that are without basis, yet i know that one day they'll just come true. well, some do come true, in a way that has nothing to do with me.. others, i think i sort of make them into a self-fulfilling prophecy. cause i believe it's not going to happen, that's why i dont bother trying to make it happen.

cryptic? haha

exams drawing close! i should switch to mugging mode. the lousy mat sc test really got me down. but i must channel that sadness into something more useful and positive. STUDY! haha

in the end, after getting lost and stuff, i still didnt manage to donate blood. oh well.

went a-walking in taka till legs reached breaking point. then went for free ajisen. then went photo-hunting at ps.. haha we are so mad...and we still went to changi for nasi lemak, and we saw xiaxue.. and the lame freddie suggested that we should go take a photo with her, and after that ask her:''you are tammy right?" in this way, she will qi gek and then we'll know first hand what she's going to blog tomorrow.. haha

on the way out round the carpark, we saw many bapos!! so scary..and singaporean men are so casual. yucks.

that's not all!! kena police roadblock!! i so nervous that they will ask us alight and check IC, but dont have lehz.. haha make me zi high only..

this whole week, school hasnt been pleasant.. what with tests results coming back, and the three of us alternatingly feeling sad on different days.. haiz.. cheer up sharon and freddie!!! i'm here!!
hugs for you two ya?!! dont be sad!!!=)

brought home super early by an sms.. if it wasnt for the person sending it, and i know just how painstakingly long my dad typed it, i wouldnt have gone home for dinner.

my mum commented she seems not to have anything to say to me. hmm and the entire family didnt exchange more than 10 sentences tonight? haiz.. i'm getting distant from them, the closeness of the past just feels so restrictive now.. i so wanna go hongkong without my parents, just to prove that i can survive. so childish ya? haha

heard on radio one of the songs we used to sing..lang hua! i miss those times.. gone and never coming back. as we grow up, we leave parts of us behind..

heyz!! dont be sad!! smile for me k?=)

miss some dear girls lately!! it's so easy to lose contact with friends, that i really treasure all around me. =)

oh ya.. the things i blogged were just on the spur of the moment, dont worry! i never even think of what rebellious thing to do.. so my dears please dont worry.. haha =) thanks for concern!!!

suddenly miss walking along changi beach..

avoiding confrontation. in a state of alertness.
rebellious at the grand old age of 19 going on 20. yet i dont wanna do anything i might regret.
zzz tired.

tired of being lectured. i know all that you've got to say, repeating it is just irritating, and it makes me feel trapped. i dont feel like i own my life. i dont want to live up to your expectations. i wanna get out.

maybe one day, my tears will dry up, my heart will harden, and then words cant hurt me.

maybe there were signs, but i was too stubborn to pay attention to them, or too silly to take them seriously.. ?

a question i thought of while i was on the train haunted me the whole day.. and i got no answer.. tired. why is my whole family bugging me?!

i guess women are just more sensitive.. we expect guys to know just how we feel, and then act appropriately.. when we are sick, look after us. when we are down, cheer us up. when we are afraid, be there for us. and in all above cases, if the guy cant be there personally, a loving sms or call would also make us feel you care. but i guess this kind of thinking does not go through guys' heads? haha

the first time i held hands with a guy, it seems so long ago.. clammy palms and racing hearbeat, but the strength of our fingers locked together gives me security, assurance that i am in his heart..

the first time a guy made me touched, also so long ago.. he rushed from his house to my bus stop, just so he could walk me home..

i dont know why i suddenly think of such stuff, since we broke up so long ago.. but till this day, i'm still sorry i broke his heart. 或许因为伤害过你，所以更加珍惜我们特殊脆弱的友谊。

audrey says my display pic makes her laugh. i wonder why. haha

i'm implicitly grounded, till perhaps the weekend i guess.. my parents are worrying about my results. me too. haha how to get sec upper? maintain 4.0 gpa lehz...

i dislike guys who think they are right, and refuse to try to see things from another point of view. this would be my dad. arguing with him once he has made up his mind is pointless.

anything special lately? none that i can recall.. totally wuliao post. whatever.